Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Where have I been!?

The answer to that question is honestly, I have no idea.

I am done with school for the summer and proud to say I am half a nurse.  I am not sure what half yet, but I am half a nurse.  One more year to go and I will be full nurse-full enough to take the NCLEX exam, passing--hopefully.  

Sarah, is a wonderful woman, and she lets me write the blog on SoftBums however I see fit--within limits of course, but she told me to write what I am feeling and thinking about, as a mom, as a woman making my way through this life the best I can.  

So off the topic of cloth diapers, I just think sometimes it's time for a reality check-because I have had a horrible one lately.

I've made some horrible decisions in my life and some wonderfully perfect ones, I generally live my day to day life middle of the road trying to make it sun up to sun down without loosing my mind, a child, and being able to say "I did good today".  

Somewhere along those lines I've forgot to be a wife.  I, in all honesty have forgotten how to be one.  How to look at my husband with an open heart, forget our differences that make me want to strangle him and embrace and truly love the man that he is.  

We like many couples came across the "D" word in conversation.  Not because we were arguing, fighting, yelling, or particularly hating one another at that time but more as a, "can we really do this with each other for the next XX years?"  We have 2 small children which add motivation to hold the relationship together but I know from my parent's relationship, staying together ONLY for the kids hurts just as much (my parents split the minute I left for college).  I know my husband and I are adult enough and grown up enough to be able to love our children together as best friends and give them the best life possible if we chose to go our separate ways.  I love him and he loves me, no questions there-but the cliche is a cliche for a reason sometimes it just isn't enough.

But, we have decided to fight for US.  For our kids too, but for US.  There is a reason we are together, and there is a reason we haven't walked away yet. 

We have decided to work on being "In love", "IN the relationship", "IN this together" have started some therapy sessions and are trying to re-discover our relationship that we've lost somewhere along the lines. It is hard, we are fighting for us and learning things about one another we may not want to know.  It is an uphill struggle (up hill like--a cliff not a nice slope) but instead of walking through every day saying "I am content" I have decided to be mad if I am mad, be irritated, be happy, be loving, be funny, and smile--I think I've forgotten how to smile-at least with my husband.  

So, the main reason I am writing this is because I am sorry that I've been missing but some other more important things in my life have been happening (so much so my baby is in disposables because I cannot function enough to eat food (I've lost 12 pounds in 3 weeks) let alone wash diapers).  

Secondly- look at your family, no matter what your family consists of and love them for who they are, take some time and remember how you got there and why you're still there.  Decide to make time for them and yourself and be sure to tell them why you love them.  Love may not always be enough, but it is a wonderful place to start.

Sappy post over-

Back to babies and their fluffy butts!  

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  1. I think this has a lot to do with having young children and being in a building part of life. My husband and I work opposite schedules, have two young kids as wekk, and I sometimes have these realizations that we haven't put our relationship anywhere in the top 5 in life, too. We're working on it, too, and while everyone says before you go in that there will be struggles, experiencing them is hard. Good for you for deciding to fight for what you want.

  2. I just wanted to say thank you for putting this out there. I feel as if I have written this post myself. I, too, am in the same situation as you, managing being a mom to 2 small kids as well as running my own business and all the everyday things that we endure. I have grown to hate my marriage and the D word crosses my mind every day. Do I "love" my husband, of course. But, I don't know that I can say I am "in love" with him. Or, maybe I am, but it's such a deep dirty rut I just can't get out of it to see where I am.

    Anyway, sparing details... I just wanted to say thank you. It is comforting to know there are many more out there going through the same thing.

  3. My husband and I fell "out of love" at one point too. You two have the right attitude! :) If you aren't sure HOW to fight for your relationship and feel like you're going in circles, I strongly recommend Retrouvaille: www.retrouvaille.org

    A year AFTER we were DIVORCED we finally did a Retrouvaille weekend, and it was exactly what we needed to get back on track. Within a few months we were remarried, and a few months after that we were happily buying a stash of newborn diapers. :)

  4. Definitely appreciate the honesty and reality of this post. I think a lot of couples go through this with young children, especially if both are working, whether in or out of home, and especially if any of the kids have special needs, whether it be physical or emotional. I realized recently that my husband and I seemed to be more roomates than spouses. There were days, weeks maybe, where we didn't even kiss or touch each other. In the past 24 months (and we've only been married two years), 18 have been without intimacy. I have been so busy with babies, so tired, so consumed with worry and stress that I have not been a wife...at least, not a good one. And to his credit, he has not complained. He has done most the cooking, cleaning, baby changing, all after working 10-12 hour days, because I've been either pregnant, busy nursing, or injured in between all that time. I'm sure that after a fun, passionate, and deeply moving courtship, this is not the marriage he had in mind. And so, it is a decision made every day, not to be content, as you say, but to live fully experiencing the highs and lows of marriage and family with a heart of love and gratitude... not only to be a good mother, but especially, to be a good wife and the best of myself.

  5. I think this resonates with a lot of us! My husband and I found ourselves in the same situation recently...OVERWHELMED by it all (2 kids, 2 dogs, a house, 2 full-time jobs and a never-ending to-do list). The stress really takes you down doesn't it? We're fighting for US as well but it is not easy...hoping that we make it out of this stage of life TOGETHER. ((hugs))